


Find Me Sobbing Into A Bowl Of Lucky Charms At 3am

by literally_no_idea



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Flashbacks, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Not Canon Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 14:58:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17510798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literally_no_idea/pseuds/literally_no_idea
Summary: this is basically just a quick coping fic. i'm feeling kinda shitty and i couldn't stop thinking about this. i haven't watched CA:CW in a while and i'm almost completely sure this isn't even close to what happened in the movie, but i'm tired so i'm throwing canon compliance out of the window for the moment.if you like Steve Rogers this might not be the fic for you.if you like Howard Stark this is definitely not the fic for you. (nor are any of my fics, really.)if you're looking for a fic with Tony drowning in trauma flashbacks, this is probably the fic for you.this summary is p useless, sorry, i promise my writing doesn't actually sound this bad





	Find Me Sobbing Into A Bowl Of Lucky Charms At 3am

He’s fine, it’s fine. Except he’s lying, and he’s about as far from fine as he’s ever been.

 

Steve jammed his shield into the arc reactor. He could have hit Tony anywhere, but it was the reactor. Tony’s seen Steve in battle, seen how precisely he can aim with the shield, so that can’t have been an accident.

 

And Tony doesn’t know what to do with this information. Doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t-- doesn’t know-- He’s hyperventilating before he knows what’s happening, and his breathless “Jarvis?” gets no response. Right. Because the suit’s systems are down. So he’s-- he’s alone. Trapped in the suit. And he can’t-- he doesn’t--

 

It’s cold. God, it’s so fucking cold. And he can’t breathe properly, he’s sobbing and his face is wet and no, no he doesn't want to remember, he doesn’t want--

 

_ He can’t move his head. It’s been forced underwater, and he can’t move, he can’t breathe, and he can’t, what if the battery gets wet, he can’t die, he can’t, he can’t, he’s got to-- the last conversation he had with Pepper was so rude, he shouldn’t have been so rude, he needs to, he needs to apologize, he needs-- _

 

_ He needs to survive. He can’t just-- This can’t be the end, the call to Pepper didn’t go through in time, how can he tell her that he’s sorry, that this is for the best, that going through the wormhole was necessary, that he doesn’t, he isn’t good for her anyway, he’s always been, been a bad person to her, that he doesn’t, he doesn’t deserve her, he doesn’t deserve-- _

 

_ He deserves the pain, though. He’s always been an annoying kid, and if burning his hands is the price he has to pay to be in his dad’s workshop, then that’s fine, he can take the pieces of jagged metal his dad hands him, the burning hot tongs, can hold the dry ice for his dad while he works, it’s not a big deal, it’s fine-- _

 

_ His chest feels tight, restricted, he can’t breathe properly, and he doesn’t understand, he thought Obi cared about him, but he understands, he does, he’s only good for the things he makes, it’s never been him, he’s just, just train wreck, it’s the suits, the tech, that’s what makes him useful, worthwhile-- _

 

He should have known better. God, how can he feel deserving of his life when he made weapons for so many years, when he created Ultron, how can he call himself a good person, how can he claim to be anything other than a violent, dangerous train wreck, how can he--

 

How can he claim to deserve to breathe. Maybe. Maybe this is for the best. He can die here, in this cave, god, a cave, he can die here, just fade out, let himself suffocate in the suit, he’s glad he never fixed some of these problems, failsafes, to let him die if it comes down to it, make it impossible for someone to take the suit off his dead body intact and use it for something dangerous--

 

Because he can’t let the suits be used for evil, he’s done so many terrible things, but he can’t, he can’t let Yinsen’s last act be turned into something bad, something evil, something wrong, he can’t--

 

So he’ll stay here. He’ll die here. That’s fine. It’s fine. He’s fine. This is. Fine.

 

And he doesn’t deserve the sigh of relief he makes when Bruce shows up, breaks the faceplate off and gives Tony air again, helps him breathe again, gets him to his feet again, and leads him onto the plane that will take them home.

 

He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t. But he supposes he’ll have to live now, just to figure out why Bruce did this in the first place. To figure out how he can repay Bruce the debt he now owes him. He needs to repay his debts first. And maybe that’s what he deserves, to stay alive until he can right all of his wrongs, repay all of his debts. Death, and sleep, and rest, will have to wait. He has work to do.


End file.
